


Distractions

by genericfanatic



Series: Worry [4]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Discussions of Suicide, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-29
Updated: 2017-09-29
Packaged: 2019-01-06 19:13:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,874
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12217188
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/genericfanatic/pseuds/genericfanatic
Summary: Lance is forced to take a Mental Health Day, and gets some help from a friend.





	Distractions

After what Lance was dubbing ‘the incident,’ Shiro and Allura were far more willing to give the paladins (specifically Lance) breaks when they requested it. Oddly enough, it made Lance less likely to try and take said breaks, like it was a verbal declaration of ‘hey, I’m going to go cry in my room and try to think of things that aren’t the sweet embrace of death.’

Still, after many glares and validations from Hunk, when he was really bad, he sent a message through the communicator that he really couldn’t leave his room for anything short of an exploding planet. He had just…woken up feeling empty. He dug into his stash of food he kept in his room so he didn’t have to lug himself to breakfast, but when that didn’t help, he knew he was in for a day.

“Do you need me to come down?” Hunk asked in his Best Friend™ voice.

“No,” Lance answered, only partially out of embarrassed guilt. This wasn’t a ‘cry your eyes out’ kinda depressive episode, just a ‘I’m going to lay here and stare at the ceiling because even food doesn’t taste like anything’ kinda episode. “I’ll be okay, just, catch me up on what we did later.”

“Alright,” Hunk said hesitantly, “If you’re sure…”

“Go train,” Lance said, and ended the communication. He lay back on his bed, and idly wondered how it would feel if a space ship would run him over. 

These kind of thoughts he would allow, for now. They were abstract, and not really doable, so it was just an intrusive thought-experiment for now. It was only when they got specific that he called people. Well, sometimes. Tried to, anyway. It was a work in progress.

He tried distraction. Nope. Not enough media content on this blasted ship anyway. He tried going back to sleep, which you’d think would make sense cause like, he was too tired to move or do anything, but the second his head hit the pillow, it was like he was super-awake. 

Sigh…nothing to do until this passed. Just sit there and be uncomfortable and—

A knock came at his door. “Lance?” Allura’s voice sounded, “Are you in here?” 

Lance was so surprised to hear her at his door, he froze staring at it for long enough he thought he had finally slipped into hallucinations, until Allura said, “Lance? Are you awake?”

“Um…” he said, unsure if she could hear him, “Uh…yeah…one minute…” Shit…where were his pants? 

Once he was properly covered (and stashed some of the grosser leftovers out of sight) He opened the door. Allura was standing there, neat as ever, with a shy smile on her face. “Uh…hi,” He said, “What can I do for you?”

“I was hoping to talk with you. Is…is now a good time?” She asked, earnestly.

Honestly, Lance wasn’t sure. “Uh…depends on what its about I guess.”

She shifted on her feet. “Its about…well, uh…” She swallowed, nervous, “’The Incident’”

She actually used air quotes. He was almost proud of her, or he would be if he wasn’t a liiiittle bit into inner turmoil. “Um…” He said, “I swear, that’s not why I took off today. I mean, it is, but not like…I’m not planning on doing it again, if you’re worried, and I’m trying to get over it fast so I can be back at training and I—“

Allura waved her hands, panicked, “No, no, nothing like that. I just wanted to talk. As friends.”

“Oh,” He said, relieved, yet more confused. “Um…sure, then. Come on in,” He stepped away and let her inside. 

Lance looked around for a moment, wondering what he would do about seating arrangements. He really didn’t have visitors often (especially royal ones) so he had really been pretty content with just sitting on the bed with whoever came by. That…didn’t seem appropriate for dealing with a princess. 

But, Allura seemed to have this handled. She pressed a button in the wall, and instantly a panel came out, making a perfect and comfortable looking folding chair. Lance blinked, staring around his own room. “I need to explore this place more.” 

She snorted and sat down, him taking his bed. “So,” He said, feeling like he was just dropped into a business dinner, “What’s up?”

She swallowed, fiddling her fingers, letting her hair fall in her face a bit. “Well…ever since, you know….” The Incident, he heard her say. Or not say, really, “I’ve felt like I needed to…I should have…” She takes a breath and starts over. “I’ve…somewhat been holding you paladins at arms length. I was trying to be a good leader to you all, not letting you see my…weaknesses. But now I feel like I may have done more harm than good.” 

Lance raised an eyebrow at her. “I’m…not sure I follow.”

She takes several seconds to compose her thoughts. “I—when you woke me from my stasis pod, I was…lost. I was displaced in time, my whole WORLD was taken, and…the universe seemed like…like such a cold and empty place.” She swallowed, “And…I felt a great deal like I imagined you did.”

She rubbed her arms awkwardly. Lance blinked at her. It took a long minute before he really understood what she was saying. “You…You were…” 

She nodded. “It never came to anything. Obviously,” She gave a pathetic excuse for a laugh, “Coran helped a lot, and indirectly so did all of you. You know, you made it feel like there was hope again.”

He nodded, slowly, still trying to wrap his brain around it. Perfect, beautiful Allura…suicidal? He smacked himself internally. Of course she wouldn’t seem suicidal to him. How long had he kept himself hidden? Damn, that was ableist of him. 

“So, I just…” She swallowed, “I wanted to come down and let you know that I understand. So, if you ever needed to talk, you could come to me.” She gave him a sweet smile.

There was an instinctual teenage part of him that was angry she dared to say she understood. She wasn’t in his brain, how could she know? But he smacked that part down again. Of course she could understand. She could more than understand, most likely, she had FAR more reason to feel hopeless than he ever did. She lost so much…and she was STILL amazing at all she did. 

She didn’t do stupid things like drinking a carton of cleaner fluid. 

“Lance?” Allura asked, “Is there…is there something you needed to talk about?”

He clenched his teeth, forcing his eyes to stay dry through sheer willpower. “Uh…nope. Not that I can think of at the moment.”

Allura faced so much hardship, if she knew the petty problems he was having she could never look at him the same. He missed his family? His living happy family? She lost her entire RACE. So people weren’t lavishing him in compliments all the time, and he apparently needed to be coddled just so he could function at bare minimum capacity…that was nothing compared to losing 10,000 years.

Allura was still looking at him. Crap. “Lance?” She asked, “Are you okay?”

He didn’t have the mental energy to lie and he didn’t have the energy to tell the truth. He clenched his fists, nails digging into his palms. “Yeah,” he managed, “I’m fine.”

Even if Allura was suffering something when Lance couldn’t see, she was still amazing when he could, and he could never do what she did. He was so…pathetic.

“Lance?” Allura asked “You…you’re crying…”

He blinked, cutting off the stream of water and wiped the offending tears away as soon as he could. “I’m alright,” he said, “I’m alright, I’m alright…” god, this was so embarrassing. She’d never leave now. Oh god…

It wasn’t that he thought she’d hate him. Okay, a part of him did, but he knew that part was being paranoid. If he said anything, he knew what she’d say. She’d tell him not to compare the two of them, that everyone was different and had different experiences and a lot of other positive things because she’s a nice person who just wanted to help and he was the resident fuck up who couldn’t get better even around all these nice people who for some reason cared for him and—

“Lance, I want you to breath with me,” She said, “You’re hyperventilating.”

She took an exaggerated breath in. ‘Pity’ his brain screamed at him. Still, even if it was just for her sake, he copied her. 

Before to long, he still felt bad, (some weird blend of anger, sadness, and emptiness) but the thoughts weren’t yelling at him anymore. “Would you…” She started, swallowing, “Would you like to come to my room?” 

He really, really, REALLY wanted to make a dumb dirty joke about that, but his mind was blank enough, all he could really do was nod. 

She took his hand and guided him through the hallways, until they reached the fancy suite Allura stayed in. 

He was surprised when the door open. On the one hand, it was pretty much what he expected. On the other, it was still a lot BIGGER than any bedroom he’d ever seen and he wasn’t sure what to do about that. 

Once inside, she kept pulling him to the attached bathroom. It was like a spa, with a giant bath in the center, beautiful white and something vaguely terracotta looking tiles all around and a huge (I mean HUGE) ass mirror, with various alien products all around it. He recognized several of them that he’d acquired for himself. 

She pulled up a comfortable looking stool. “Sit,” She ordered him. Unsure of exactly what was going on, he obeyed. She pulled over a small stool and a floating table, piling products onto it. “Have you ever had your fingernails coloured?”

“Colored?” Lance asked, “you mean painted?”

She blinked at him. “I…suppose. You put actual paint on your nails?”

“Well, I mean,” he said, “Not like, house paint, but nail polish.”

“If it’s called polish, why don’t you say ‘polished your nails’”

Lance opened his mouth, but no answer came out.“Anyway, the point is, my sisters did it to me a couple of times when I was little, but not, like, often.”

She started opening containers. “I know you like blue,” She said, “But do you have any other colors you like?”

Lance blinked at him. “Uhh…” he said, “I like…greens? Like, dark green?”

She smiled, “Like your jacket?” He nodded. “Alright then. Watch me.” 

She lifted his hand, pointing his thumb at herself. She tapped the very tip of the pen she was holding to the edge of his thumb. Green light filtered out, outlining the tip of his nail. “Whoa…” he said, watching it. 

She continued tapping at his hands. This wasn’t paint at all, it was just color, like the tip was changing the very essence of his nail to reflect a different light. She made tiny patterns on his nail that looked like some fairy tail vines or something. She moved onto the next finger and the next, making different patterns on each one.

At some point, embarrassingly short into the process, Lance got bored. “What are you doing?” He asked. 

“Distracting you,” She said simply, not even looking up from his hand. “You were sort of…what’s the phrase you use…“freaking out” back there.” He felt instant shame. He instinctually bowed his head, breaking the eye contact that wasn’t even there. “It’s okay. I kind of expected it. I mean, that’s what I did when Coran confronted me.”

He swallowed a lump in his throat. He knew she was trying to relate, but all he could hear was how she had felt the same thing and was fine, so he shouldn’t be making such a big fuss of things. He didn’t want to say that, though, so he asked, “Did he color your nails?” 

She smiled, “No. He took me down to look at the engines and talked me through repairing them. Tons of mechanical work, looking over work specs and…Well, I’m a princess, I’ve never done a day of mechanics work in my life. It was frustrating and messy…but I got my mind off the thoughts that were bringing me down. For a bit anyway.” She smiled moving to his pinky nail. “I thought this would be more fun.”

He turned back to the nail she was painting. “It is better than work.”

“This is what I tend to do, to distract myself when I need be.” She said switching to his other hand, “A soothing bath, a walk around the castle…I like this because it lets me focus on something, so that the bad thoughts don’t take over.” 

He chewed on his lower lip, “What if they do anyway?”

She takes a breath. “Experiment until something works, I suppose. Or I cry. Crying can sometimes help. Not always, but sometimes. The bad thoughts always pass.”

Lance thought back to the incident. He had evaded talking about that moment, even with Hunk. “Not always…” He said in a voice so low he wasn’t sure she heard.

She did hear. She looked up, sorrow in her eyes. She clenched her teeth, taking a breath. “What we’re doing here…this is a temporary measure…” She swallowed, and looked nervous. “I don’t know if it will ever fully go away, but…talking about things…doing things about it…that’s the only way to let out the pain out of your heart.” She put her hand on the center of his torso, in between his chest and stomach.

He blinked in surprise, and almost amusement. He took her hand and lifted it, sliding up his chest, “Here,” He said, “Here’s the human heart.”

“Really?” She said, splaying her fingers out until she picked up the rhythm. “Strange.”

“I know I…probably should talk,” He said, swallowing. “And I try. I try to be honest, and I don’t lie.”

“I didn’t think you did,” She said, retracting her hand.

“But every time I start to talk it all sounds so…so…” She waited patiently for him to finish, “…stupid.”

The tears were threatening to breach his eyelids again. Quickly, Allura offered the pen and her own hand. “Your turn.” 

He nodded, taking the pen. He looked in her bin of colors, and picked out a soft buttery yellow. Taking steadying breaths like Allura made him do in his room, he started tapping experimentally on her long nails, seeing what motions made what patterns. 

“No one would think you’re stupid, you know.” She said, “No matter what it is.”

“Even if it was the fear that giant space whales would knock into the ship?” He asked, trying desperately to make light of the situation.

She smiled, “If it was causing you pain, then yes, even then.”

Her tone was reassuring, but he didn’t exactly feel reassured. “Maybe you wouldn’t,” he said, “But they’d sound stupid coming out of my mouth. And I know what you’d say to most of the things I say anyway.”

She watched him paint her nails. “What would I say?”

“Probably something along the lines of, you care about me, you think I’m valuable, I shouldn’t worry about things that are outside my control, it’s all going to be okay, yadda yadda yadda.”

Allura blinked. “Maybe,” She said, “I don’t think it’s as important what I say, though. It’s what you say that counts.” He blinked up at her, but having no response to that, went back to the nails. “You know, I think you’re very brave.”

At that, he HAD to snort. “You’re kidding, right?”

She raised a well-manicured eyebrow at him, “Why would I be kidding about that?”

“Me? Brave?” He said, “I almost…you know…” he made a slicing motion across his throat, “And even THAT failed. Probably because I was still too scared to die, while simultaneously being too scared to live.” He swallowed. That was a lot of nerve-wracking talk in a short amount of time. “I certainly don’t feel very brave.”

She smiled. “You know, my father had this old saying…how did it go…” She cleared her throat, “’Brave isn’t something you feel, it’s something you do when you’re most afraid,’” She patted his hand. “You’ve given up everything to fight a war that you weren’t even a part of.”

“That was kind of an accident…” He said, making excuses, “And the others made that sacrifice too.”

“Their sacrifice does not negate your own,” She said. 

Lance bit his lip. He wanted to believe her. He knew she was saying this out of kindness. But… “I…guess,” He agreed, so that he didn’t have to argue and possibly disappoint her.

She smiled. “You don’t have to work through it today.” He breathed a sigh of relief he didn’t know he was holding. “Today is a distraction day. Come on, I want to see what my nails look like.”

He smirked, and re-focused his attention on forming patterns.

**Author's Note:**

> well this fic went not in the way I thought it would be. *shrug*


End file.
